In an effort to create a more peaceful release at work I suggest the following:
DAMN IT, STOP HOVERING!
Okay, for me these people are the worst offenders. You all know who I’m talking about. Hanging around after a handwashing (or in some cases foregoing the handwashing altogether because you are completely engrossed in the discussion) to discuss last night’s episode of The Bachelor, to spend minutes (that feel like hours for the person closed stall, tightening EVERY muscle they have before they erupt) caking on layers of makeup or to discuss what twist Nancy in Accounting’s personal life has recently taken, is just UNNECESSARY. Be considerate of the person who has been sitting quietly in the stall for 10 minutes (they’re not taking a nap) and find another place to gossip.
PHONE CALLS ON THE TOILET? JUST DON’T!
First of all, its GROSS, you’re an adult and THIS is NOT your home. In addition to what I believe to be the obvious reasons, spending time on the toilet in the communal restroom discussing with your husband what you’re planning to cook for dinner, Facebook stalking poor Nancy to spread more gossip or catching up on the latest Bachelor contestant meltdown could be contributing to your stall mate’s IBS and/or their decision to find another job where there are possibly normal people, with manners.
OH, THE LOVELY SMELLS AND SOUNDS..
No matter what you do, the inevitable smells and sounds that we produce more or less cannot be controlled. This can be embarrassing when you walk out amongst the “restroom hoverers” with the smell lingering behind you like a green cloud in a cartoon. [Sidetrack to a Personal Rant] I don’t believe for a second that it would kill the budget of each business owner across America to purchase air freshener and a toilet plunger for each stall; these are dollar store purchases people! I’ve seen more money wasted on luncheons than would be for the big $6.00 it would cost for each communal restroom. [Personal Rant over] For many, including myself, a dusting of spray and a courtesy flush can go a long way. Regarding the plunger, the one-ply toilet paper offices most commonly provide isn’t sufficient to get yourself clean properly. The need to use more and more TP leads to a clogged toilet which just causes more distress for the pooper.
A LITTLE TWIST TO THE GOLDEN RULE: TREAT THE COMMUNAL RESTROOM THE WAY YOU WOULD TREAT YOUR PERSONAL RESTROOM
This is key not only out of respect to your fellow human beings but also for the sake of everyone’s health. If you get your business on the floor or the toilet seat, either pee or poo (don’t act surprised, I’ve seen it), act like the 40 some year old woman you are and clean that shit up! If you notice there is no more toilet paper in the stall when you leave, call maintenance when you get back to your desk and tell them the restroom needs more. No more soap? Follow the previous steps! If you are still young enough to be getting your period and Aunt Flo makes an unexpected visit while you are at work, DO NOT throw your unmentionables down the toilet or leave them on display in the trashcan everyone uses! Finally, FLUSH THE DAMN TOILET! You would imagine these are things you wouldn’t have to tell adults, but in my experience it’s the simple things that need the most explaining and reminding.
Nevertheless and whether we’re all willing to admit it, most of us have tricks to avoid having to excrete at work. Some tricks I and some of my friends have admitted using are to use the restroom on other floors, drive home or throw toilet paper into the bowl first to muffle sounds. The winner though, she is dedicated. She went so far as to triple wrap a hand in toilet paper to catch “it” so “it” didn’t make a noise exposing her business. On the other hand (haha), others have admitted to sitting on the toilet in agony, ready to explode, sweating, unable to relieve themselves until they’re sure everyone is gone.
What is true is that our essential functions reveal us to be vulnerable to humiliation. Don’t worry this doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. This means you’re human and no matter what some may think, EVERYBODY POOPS. I just think we should make it easier on each other.